Junk Food Withdrawal

I hate aspartame. I hate fake sweeteners. And yet, I just gobbled up a Yoplait Light Fat Free Strawberry Shortcake yogurt like it was a dish of Ben and Jerry’s Volun-tiramisu ice cream (have you tried that shit yet? BEST. ICE CREAM. EVER.) I would have licked the inside of the yogurt container if I could have gotten my face all the way in there.

What is it about “officially” starting a diet that makes the food panic come? Suddenly today I’m starving. But I’m not starving. I’ve been binging for weeks, to the point that I make myself ill. Yesterday I ate moderately, trying to follow the plan, but still had some treats. Today, being no-more-excuses day, I am starving and panicked about getting enough food.

Also, my body is acting like I’m torturing it. I assure you, I’m eating plenty and including fruits and veggies – it’s only halfway through the day and I’ve had an apple and a banana. Yet when I tried to do a mere half hour of Zumba, my favorite go-to workout, my body tried to poop out at 10 minutes in. Shaking, tummy growling, I finished the half hour and earned my two damn activity points. If the afternoon storms cool the temperatures down, I’ll try and go for a walk later (it’s summer in the desert, no one does anything aerobic unless the sun is down or it’s storming).

It feels like the sugar/carb withdrawal you get with the South Beach Diet. I’ve had plenty of sugar and carbs today, but I haven’t overdone them. I didn’t realize how badly I’d messed my body up with the weeks of binging L Just trying to make it through today, and hopefully tomorrow will be better.

The Food Log Dilemma

I went back and forth for a few days deciding whether I’d post my daily food log on this blog or not. Yeah, it’s good for keeping me accountable to the entire internet, but is it sufficiently snarky? I finally decided to go ahead and do it, and here’s why.

There’s lots of people out there who find reading someone else’s daily food logs annoying, pointless and a waste of time. If you’re one of those people, have no fear, I’ll always post my log after a jump, which you are more than welcome to speed by without clicking.

But I know that I, personally, enjoy seeing other people’s food logs. It gives me ideas of what to eat, ideas of how many points certain things are and introduces me to foods I might not have known existed. If you enjoy any of those things, feel free to read and comment on my food logs. Let me know if you see a way I can cut a few more points (warning: I will never eat fat-free mayonnaise, so don’t even suggest it) or can recommend something you think I’d like based on eating patterns. I hope we can be of some help to each other!

The Continuing Journey

Here's the cliffs notes version of my last seven years of dieting.

I currently weigh 167 pounds, and my goal weight is 140 pounds. At 5'4", that's a moderate, healthy weight.

Looking taller than I really am on 7/10/11.

My highest weight ever was 265 pounds -- thanks to emotional eating and an abusive relationship.

Let's ignore the fact that I'm cosplaying...5/2002

I can't stop staring at my legs! They look like tree trunks!

My lowest weight was 147 pounds.

In French clothes, even! 1/2010

 I began making a concerted effort to lose weight in 2004.  I spent six months on the South Beach Diet, and I got down to about 240. I like the philosophy, but it just didn't work for me. I became hyperglycemic, shaky and ill. It defeats the purpose of avoiding sugars if it takes a Mountain Dew to bring my blood sugar back up.

I switched to the Weight Watchers plan in 2005. I attended meetings off and on, but mostly I did it on my own.

I was a hardcore Dance Dance Revolution player from 2005-2008, and I ended up in one of those supermarket magazines touting "Lose weight playing video games!" Jennifer Aniston was on the cover.

I am clearly not a professional model. 9/2008

My last two years of university in 2008/2009 were my most productive. I was going to class full time, working 30 hours a week, and still getting up at 6am to workout for a few hours before my 8:30am class. I'd get home from work after 9pm, do homework and crash. I was too busy to binge. On winter, spring and summer breaks however, when my frantic pace came to a crashing halt, I filled up the time with food.

I lived in France for the 2009/2010 school year, and my weight yo-yo'd from 164 to 147 and back to 164 by the time I got home. I was doing a lot of walking, but an eclair or chocolatine and a can of Oragnina do not a healthy breakfast make.

In fall 2010 I moved to Tucson. Grad school gave me daily panic attacks and dropped my weight back down to 150. A little extra work and I got it back to 147. But I've been unemployed for nearly 10 months, socially anxious, and spending a lot of time on the couch. When my boyfriend wants to eat junk food, I find it hard to say no. And so I've gained gained gained!

This is some crazy yo-yo'ing, yo. I'm ready to hit my goal weight and stay there. Sunday begins my newest journey with Weight Watchers Online.

What are your diet histories? Have you had success with WW Online or another plan? Let me know in the comments!

Yet Another Weight-Loss Blog

 Does the internet really need another blog chronicling a woman's struggles with her weight? Maybe not, but  need an outlet where I can be completely honest. Surprisingly, that place is no longer my friends-only Livejournal that I've had for 10 years. I feel more comfortable seeking support from the entire internet than my small circle of friends.

For many years I avoided any sort of public blogging about my weight because I was afraid some of my old high school classmates would see it and realize I was *gasp* fat. I finally gave in and said screw it because...

5 Reasons I No Longer Care if Someone from High School Thinks I'm Fat

5. Fuck 'em.

Junior year photo - 1994

4. I'm pretty sure they already knew.
3. I compare the time I spent at that school to being in an abusive relationship, and I need to stop letting it control me.
2. My weight is no one's business but my own (and now anyone reading this blog!).
1. No, really, fuck 'em.

Here I am, fat, sassy and ready to get back on the proverbial wagon.

Thanks for joining me.