I Have More to Say

I really want to keep up with this writing schedule for at least the last week of this month, but now it's nearly 9 and I haven't posted, so I don't want to go into something too deep.

I have rants, oh, do I have rants, but they will have to wait until next week, when I'm a little less drunk (yeah, right) and have time to write something a little more thought out.

I am starting a new DietBet tomorrow, a nice big one that's almost at $100,000 and will probably grow larger before it closes.

I'm also going to a local apple orchard tomorrow to pick nice fresh apples and indulge in way too many apple cider donuts. I've got a goal to do 10 more hours of Zumba in the remaining 10 days of the month.

Goals! They're good! They're guilt you create for yourself!

Adult Food Fun Time

Being an adult is really hard, you know? Especially with the whole "feeding yourself" thing.

I was a very picky eater as a child, and I largely outgrew that as I got older. I'll happily try anything at least once, and I've discovered a lot of "weird" foods that I now love, like escargot or kale. I don't have a problem clearing my plate when dinner is put in front of me at a restaurant or by one of my many friends who are wonderful cooks.

Why, then, is it so hard for me to feed myself?? It's one of the worst chores of being an adult -- even worse than having to clean the litter box. When I'm living with someone, I don't mind making healthy, delicious, balanced meals. But by myself, it's too much effort. I can barely stand to eat cheese and Triscuits.

I try every now and then. I find a recipe that might work, I buy ingredients, and then I proceed to never make it. It just seems like too much effort, and it doesn't even sound any good any more.

If I do manage to make a recipe, I inevitably make too much and choke down the leftovers for weeks. I'm still eating balsamic chicken and rice from two weeks ago.

So for a few days I eat whatever one recipe I managed to make, then I go back to peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and cheese and crackers and then I am just so bored of eating I can't stand it. Then I get a pizza.

There's a cycle here that needs breaking. I have SO MANY RECIPES. I have five or six cookbooks, physical books, then I have a few e-book cookbooks plus recipes from the internet that I've saved. So I'm going to try to start a bi-weekly cooking show where I cook through my cookbooks on YouTube! It helps me actually fucking make some food, it maybe helps another single dieter looking for something easy (because none of these recipes start with "in your dutch oven," I fucking promise you that), and potentially it's entertaining for everyone!

I'm kind of excited...we'll see how this goes! I'll probably work on filming the first one on Sunday, so expect something some time next week!

What do you do when you don't want to cook??

Make $$ to Exercise and Lose Weight!

Best of both worlds, right? Workout, lose weight, GET PAID.

Let me tell you this right at the top: you're not going to get rich with these phone apps. You're not going to quit your job. But you can get some nice extra spending money that can come in handy.

Two ways to make money from exercising and losing weight:

1. GymPact

I've been using GymPact since January 2011. It's had some growing pains, but overall it's a good app, and it's come a long way from where it started. GymPact pays you to work out. You tell it how many times a week you're going to commit to working out (minimum of three days a week) and how much you'll pay if you miss a workout (minimum $5 per workout missed). If you miss your pact, you pay. If you keep your pact, you get a split of the money from people who missed.

When it started, you could only use GymPact in a gym -- it locates you on your phone's GPS, and you have to stay there for 30 minutes. Technically, you could just sit in the locker room for 30 minutes, but really, if you're there, shouldn't you just work out?

New to GymPact since I joined: you can merge it with RunKeeper to count runs, walks, hikes, or bike rides you do outside, or you can wear it and use the altimeter to track a workout at home. I use this option when I do Zumba at home.

GymPact started as an iPhone only app, but the Android version released late last year, so yay! I've made about $130 from GymPact since January 2011. Not enough to pay my gym bill, but it pays for my Hulu+ and Netflix subscriptions :-)

2. DietBet

DietBet calls itself "social dieting." You join or create a bet, and everyone who joins is trying to lose 4% of their starting weight. You buy in to the bet, usually about $25-$35. You take a picture of your weight at the beginning and end so that DietBet can confirm it.

There's a social aspect where you can post your progress and workouts for people in the bet with you to comment on, but I think that would only be handy for small bets, where you actually have a chance of getting to know people. I choose the large bets, with the highest number of players for a large pot. There's a greater chance for people not to win than with a small bet, which means bigger payout.

I've done four DietBets and won three of them. And let me tell you, losing that one hurt. A lot. I just didn't get my act together in time. Thanks to DietBet, I've stayed pretty steady in my current 10-pound range. You can join up to five bets at a time, and I'd like to try that as a way to get out of this plateau. It's just hard because of the initial upfront cost -- two bets at $25 is $50 I don't really have to spare! But it would definitely keep me honest. Losing money is a very powerful motivator for me, even stronger than making money!

I've made $44 from DietBet. The most recent bet I won hasn't been tallied yet, but I'll edit this post as soon as it is to give an updated total. [Edited to add - I won $16 from the most recent DietBet!]

Join the newest game with me! It starts on September 24 and ends on October 21. It's got a big pot with lots of players, so if you win, it should be a decent payout! Are you ready to make a change?

DietBet is currently only available for iPhone.

Would the prospect of making or losing money motivate you to lose weight?

Start Small

Yesterday I did very well with my goals! I only had one decaf americano with caramel and half and half at work -- a far cry from my two or four drinks with lots of syrup and calorie-filled toppings.

I can feel myself getting addicted to the caffeine even in the decaf though, and I don't like it. I'm going to cut it back to just one shot of decaf espresso.

I ate 56g of sugar yesterday -- my current goal for the week is to eat fewer than 80g of sugar. That's a LOT of sugar, but it's not at all unheard of. Start with fewer than 80g. Work it down until it's around 40g. Sounds a lot better than just cutting it off alltogether!

I ate very lightly yesterday, and I mostly focused on eating proteins instead of carbs and sugars. I was still hungry when I went to bed, but I had a DietBet to win this morning! I weighed in at 6 ounces less than I needed to win the DietBet, so as soon as it gets verified, I'll let you know how much money I won off that ;-)

I've won two out of the three DietBets I've finished this year; this win would be number three. It hasn't really helped me break out of this plateau I've been in for over a year, but it does help me from going any higher, plus I win some money! I won $11 with the first one, and $17 with the second. Nothing to quit my job over, but it's more than I had before, and it kept me honest when I'd binge!

I try to join the big, popular games over a small game with people I may know, because the odds are better with a big group and a big pot of money that more people will fail and my payout will be bigger :-) This isn't the only way I monetize my weight loss! Tomorrow I'll write a summary of all the things I do to make money off weight loss.

Do you track your sugar intake? Do you feel like you eat a lot of hidden sugars during the day? You'd be surprised!

Sugar fiend

For the rest of the month, I'm going to try to write here every single weekday! Whoa, what crazy commitment.

Yom Kippur has passed, and I made it 22 hours without food or water. It was so, so difficult for me to do nothing all day. No walks, no exercise, no going out because it's still 100+ degrees outside and I can't have water. The entire day is a bargain with myself.

Wake up at 10am; well, see if you can make it till noon. Oh god, it's only 10:36, I'll never make it till noon. Okay, it's noon. I can make it to 1. I can make it to 2. Ok, at 3:30 I give myself permission to cave. Well, maybe 4. Ok, 4:30 is 22 hours and I give in.

It's amazing how often you still have to pee when you're dehydrated.

Then I had pizza and a hard cider, which was probably not a good idea and gave me an even worse dehydration headache than the one I already had.

Oh yeah, I've been there

I really, really need to cut back on my sugar intake. The hardest part about doing that is that I work at a very popular coffee shop where I get all the free drinks I like during my shift. And it's salted caramel time. I would be perfectly content to just eat a small cup of whipped cream, caramel, and salt with a spoon.

I've been changing my drink from the horrific 30g+ of sugar sweet cinnamon steamer to a decaf americano with a few pumps of caramel. I don't drink caffeine -- at all. So even the two decaf shots I've been drinking have been making me jittery, and I really don't want to get addicted again, even mildly. But it's so hard to work a shift without drinking anything, and I'm sick of iced tea.

But I've got to get the sugar under control; no amount of exercise is going to change anything when my sugar intake is so nuts. So for the rest of this week, I am only going to have one of those caramel americanos per shift, and NO OTHER SUGAR DRINKS. Since I'll be posting every day, I can keep track of my progress. And my daily sugar grams!

What's your biggest sugar weakness??

Sacrilicious

Tonight begins the Jewish holiday of Yom Kippur. From sundown tonight until sundown tomorrow I will fast to repent my sins, ask forgiveness from God, and forgive those who I might be mad at. It's the holiest of days in the Jewish calendar and very serious.

I like the clean slate of Yom Kippur. I like not holding on to guilt or anger, but releasing it at least once a year. I like the idea of using the fast to aide in prayers; when you feel a rumble of hunger, remember why you're doing it, and it makes it more meaningful.

I also like Yom Kippur because it's two chances to binge. It is terrible, and I'll have to ask forgiveness for feeling this way, but I like Yom Kippur because I get to binge. I binge before sundown tonight, fast for 24 hours, and then binge tomorrow night because I can rationalize I haven't eaten in 24 hours.

I know this is disordered eating, and I do want to work on it. I also want a pizza. Bingeing is numbing. Food is comfort. It's a hard cycle to break. It's not just a matter of willpower, it's changing the way I feel and react not just to food, but to life-stress, boredom, and emotions. Willpower is bullshit. It's creating an entirely new way of thinking from how I've learned to think over the last 35 years. It's overcoming a compulsion.

I'm going to try and make some changes. I have a coupon for a free slice of pizza at an excellent local pizza place. Maybe I'll break my fast with a slice instead of a whole pie. 

Still fighting the fight

Yeah! That's how it works, right?

Crossing it off the list

I recommend setting goals for yourself and working hard to achieve them. It's so incredibly satisfying to cross something hard off your goal list. I also recommend that a lot of the hard work comes BEFORE the finish line. Do what I say, not what I do.

I ran a 5k yesterday! My very first! I hadn't been training in a month! It was really, really hard! When I first started running a few years ago, I could only run/walk/run/walk. Then I got up to running a mile without stopping, then two. At the beginning of the year I was running twice a week, and I got up to 3.25 miles pretty easily -- slowly, very slowly, but manageable. So when I signed up for the 5k at the end of March, I felt pretty confident.

Then I started focusing my goal on my Zumba teaching license (post needed!) and slacked on the running. I figured it would be fine because all the endurance was still there; I was doing 20-25 hours of Zumba a month in April and May, and the training class was 8 hours long. So I thought I'd be all right.

This is my "Oh God, am I really about to run a 5k?" face.

I ran the Meet Me Downtown 5k, which was....downtown. On June 1. In Tucson. Which is in the DESERT. Lucky for us, yesterday was the first day we hit over 100 degrees in 2013! It was so hot ;_;

When we first started out, all I could think was "Oh wow, I'm really doing this!" It was tough to find my own pace in the sea of faster, better runners, and my muscles protested loudly for the first half mile. One of the lovely things about this race was the good residents of downtown Tucson. They sat on their porches and on the sidewalks and cheered us on, and they sprayed us with their garden hoses. That was the best. I definitely picked up the pace after a good drenching.

I ran the entire 5k. I was determined not to slow to a walk, because then it wouldn't count as running a 5k and I'd have to do the whole damn thing over again. So I ran it. Very slowly. There might have been people walking faster than me. BUT I RAN IT.

After: Fat, sassy, 'n sore.

It was a great feeling running to the finish line. I pushed every last bit of energy I had into that last sprint and finished 3.1 miles in 49:10. Which is pretty average pace for me...no records, but no major slow downs from my norm either.

After the race there was free vitamin water, bananas (I took 3), some amazing trail mix, and turkey hot dogs. And apparently beer, too, but we didn't get any. There was a band playing and local food trucks, but mostly we all just wanted to get home.

It's done! 5k! Crossed off the list! Never have to do it again!

Oh, what, there's a Turkey 5k Run in November? Well, we'll see....

Clean Eating is Not Okay

This is a response to a Tumblr post disparaging the idea of clean eating. Take a minute to read through the original posts. I'm going to respond to this here and on my Tumblr, because there's a lot that I want to say about this post. First I want to say that I hear you, and I thank everyone above for sharing their thoughts.

A little background about me, because that will frame where I'm coming from: I grew up middle class and never had to worry about missing a meal. I've been overweight since elementary school. I made less than $10,000 last year (thanks, taxes, for bringing that disappointing fact to light), but I am fortunate to have a family that gives me support when I need it, including groceries. I am a 34-year-old white, Jewish, queer woman, with all the privileges/baggage that brings. I spent most of my 20s eating Lean Cuisine/Smart Ones/diet frozen foods, and it wasn't until I was 30 and moved to France that I realized I had no idea how to eat properly without frozen foods or peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I was 30 years old with no idea how to feed myself real food.

I am currently a supporter of the Clean Eating "trend," and let me tell you why. Because I like eating whole foods. Because I like knowing what the fuck all the ingredients are in everything I eat. Because it actually forces me to eat more vegetables (ashamed to admit I've gone DAYS in the past without anything green). Because it goes along nicely with the idea of eating local – most things I find at the farmer's market (and I'm lucky that Tucson has at least two every day somewhere in the metro city area) are not going to have preservatives or artificial additives. Because I actually feel more connected to my food if I know what each individual ingredient is. Because I don't like restricting or calorie counting because it triggers disordered eating. Because I have found it affordable: there are clean grocery lists for Safeway and Trader Joe's, and they're easily transferable to your favorite cheap/discount grocery store. I never shop at Whole Foods, because I can't afford it. I can afford Trader Joe's and Safeway, and I'm privileged to be able to do so.

I, personally – and really this is all personal opinion only, that should go without saying –, have never thought of not clean eating as "dirty eating." I am not judging what you eat. Here's a secret, and I'm sorry to let you down, but I am not judging what you eat. I don't care what you eat. I don't have time for that. I'm trying to stay mentally and physically healthy and yet still sometimes counting calories and creating a detailed meal plan two weeks in advance, and I'm exhausted. I don't have time to care about your food, too. What you eat is just not important to me, I'm sorry. Was it supposed to be? I hope not. (You will see me snark on my blog when people come in to my coffee shop and order a sugar-free mocha with 20 pumps sugar free syrup, 10 splendas, non-fat milk, and extra whipped cream. I'm a believer in go-all or go-none. Whipped cream AND whole milk AND sugar syrup! So yes, I am shaking my head when that cup comes through my line, but I'm not thinking "And I bet she eats crappy food too!" I'm really not. I'm making the next drink. Because I just do not have time in my life to care what you eat).

Therefore, I never saw the clean eating movement as indicating any kind of moral/orthodox scale for foods. I do hear what is being said above about the connotations of calling it "clean" eating, and I respect those points and will happily call it "unprocessed" eating or "whole foods" eating from here on out. Food is food is food in that it's all digestible (except that Olean stuff, and what the fuck is that? I have anal leakage nightmares) and everyone's body can pick what it needs from it. My casserole made from whole ingredients is not any better or worse morally than someone else's bacon cheeseburger. It doesn't make me a better person, and it doesn't make them a terrible person. It makes us different people.

I'm not sure where the anger is coming from regarding food choices. As I said, I'm neither making your choices for you or caring what choice you make. If you want to choose the butter/cake/50-year lifespan, DO IT. Also, mmmm….cake. Also, my eating clean/unprocessed food is not removing this choice from your daily plate. You can choose to eat whatever the hell you want everyday, and more power to you, and I can understand being angry at the society that tells us all, every day, that we need to be on a diet. I'm angry at diets too. It's okay. I get really triggered and ranty when I see someone on my dash saying, "Oh no, I had two sweets this week, now I can't have any more sweets for two weeks!" because that, to me, is not how clean unprocessed/whole foods eating works. I like to pair it with intuitive eating, and sometimes my intuition wants a damn pizza. But I try and live by the 80/20 rule, where 80% of the time I'm eating whole/unprocessed and 20% of the time I'll have a nice, greasy pizza. So if we changed the name, with the same principles, would it be less of an issue? Some of the above responses sound angry that I won't fry a potato in canola or vegetable oil (although I will in EVOO or coconut oil, and yum!). I thought it was my choice? What I choose to eat for myself is never, ever imposed upon anyone else. My food philosophy does not invalidate your food philosophy just because they're different.

In fact, Tiffany from The Gracious Pantry, one of the best sites for clean unprocessed/whole foods eating recently admitted that she's been eating this way for four years, and she's still overweight. Does that make her a failure? Does that make the way of eating a failure? I say absolutely not. She still feels better, healthier, and has more energy than when she ate junk. I know I feel a million times better eating unprocessed/whole foods than I do eating overly-preserved convenience foods. I like how it makes me feel. I don't know how it makes you feel. I know low-carb makes me constantly nauseated to the point where I just stop eating. But I'm not mad at everyone who eats low-carb just because it makes me feel like shit.

Basically – the rest of society is hard enough on us, so can't we all just get along? Here, have some coconut flour pancakes. Let's break whole wheat bread together and clear the air.

This is My Reminder to Myself

Dear Penny,

YOU CANNOT DO LOW-CARB. You just can't. You keep trying, and everytime you go "Oh yeah, I can't do this. Fuck."

Seriously, I think, "This time I'm gonna get it right!" Nope, want to throw up and die.

I lasted two and a half days this last round. I was even tracking to make sure I was getting around 50 carbs a day! Even so, my body just CANNOT handle that much protein. Or something. Because I nearly threw up eating my egg casserole and turkey bacon this morning, which I normally enjoy.

An acquaintance of mine (internet only, even though we used to live in the same town) has had great success on a low-carb diet, and that's great for her. She posted her Pinterest board of low-carb recipes, and I read them and thought, "Sure, I can eat that!' Except not exclusively, because I get to the point where I cannot eat any more low-carb food and then I'm at 800 calories for the day, and that's bad. Seriously, it makes me want to just stop eating altogether.

THIS IS MY REMINDER TO MYSELF. STOP TRYING LOW CARB. YOU'RE WASTING EVERYONE'S TIME.

Back to my perfectly acceptable goal of eating clean -- working to completely eliminate processed foods. And there's certainly a place for those low-carb recipes within that way of eating. I do want to eat less sugars. I just need fruit and oatmeal and whole wheat bread and peanut butter in my life. And that's okay.

Everything You Know is Wrong

I am becoming increasingly more and more cranky about counting calories. Mostly because it doesn't really seem to be helping. 1200 or 1800 calories, either way I'm not seeing a difference. When I stopped eating for a month after the breakup, I definitely noticed weight loss in my clothes. But as I healed and regained my appetite, no amount of restricting seems to be helping; I'm exercising 3-5 times a week, but my belly feels bigger than ever and my underwear isn't as loose as it was in December.

So when I read this article on Jezebel the other day, I really wanted to set fire to the My Fitness Pal app (except that would really just involve destroying my phone, and I like my phone). It's gotten to where I really don't even bother reading most health articles any more. Fat is good! Fat is bad! Carbs are good! Carbs are bad! Calories are everything! Calories are meaningless!

You know what I like to do? I like to try and follow Clean Eating and the 80/20 rule. If I'm eating clean -- no preservatives, no artificial ingredients, no or less white flour/sugars -- and then I eat a cheese danish or something every now and then, I'm pretty happy. Maybe it's not reflecting any weight loss for me yet, but I feel healthier now than I ever did when I was eating Lean Cuisines and 100-calorie packs every single damn day. That's another danger with calorie counting -- would I rather have this healthy thing for 120 calories or this pack of crap for 100 calories? Crap it is!

I have just this past week started calorie counting again, but really just to get an idea of where I'm at at the end of the day. Eating intuitively -- ice cream if I want it, but not binging; stopping when I feel full -- I come in right between 1500 and 2000 calories (plus exercise). Now, eating variety is something I still need to work on. I still default to peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and triscuits and cheese when I can't decide what I want to eat.

I never thought it possible, but I do binge less when I'm eating intuitively! Not gonna lie, it took a while and a lot of pizzas to get there. Eventually I realized, when I can have everything, I don't want it any more. A pint of Ben and Jerry's now lasts over a week in my house. Turns out I only wanted a few bites. An entire box of Trader Joe's spinach and artichoke dip disappears in an afternoon. And it's okay. I'm okay.

Pizza is my BFF.

Quick way to drop 200+ pounds!

HEY!

Since I last blogged, I've been lucky enough to shed 220 pounds! It was so easy! All I had to do was dump my cheating, abusive boyfriend. As anyone with quick weight loss results knows, it's easy to gain those pounds back and then some, and there have definitely been days when I've been sad or lonely and missing that 220 pound lump of man hair that always left his clothes on the floor and never cleaned the kitchen. But I've stayed strong in my resolve, and I know I'm never taking him back or getting involved with anyone who doesn't respect me. Now let's just apply that resolve to eating healthy, because basically consistently eating crap isn't respecting myself, and what kind of role model am I for a future potential mate if they see I don't have any self-respect?

Note: I'm not saying I'm not respecting myself because I'm overweight. I'm saying it because I'm choosing to eat nothing but unhealthy foods and no vegetables for days on end. I'd rather be eating healthy and fat than eating crap and thin. That's why I no longer eat Lean Cuisines or processed diet junk. Now THAT is disrespecting your body!!

A few things coming up for this blog:

• A monthly challenge we can work on together
• VLOGS! See my fat face talking to you!
• ACTUAL POSTS. Because for realz, I need to keep up with this space.

Here's some snark: Someone today at my coffee shop ordered a sugar-free, non-fat latte in a size-larger cup with EXTRA whipped cream.  YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.