Sacrilicious

Tonight begins the Jewish holiday of Yom Kippur. From sundown tonight until sundown tomorrow I will fast to repent my sins, ask forgiveness from God, and forgive those who I might be mad at. It's the holiest of days in the Jewish calendar and very serious.

I like the clean slate of Yom Kippur. I like not holding on to guilt or anger, but releasing it at least once a year. I like the idea of using the fast to aide in prayers; when you feel a rumble of hunger, remember why you're doing it, and it makes it more meaningful.

I also like Yom Kippur because it's two chances to binge. It is terrible, and I'll have to ask forgiveness for feeling this way, but I like Yom Kippur because I get to binge. I binge before sundown tonight, fast for 24 hours, and then binge tomorrow night because I can rationalize I haven't eaten in 24 hours.

I know this is disordered eating, and I do want to work on it. I also want a pizza. Bingeing is numbing. Food is comfort. It's a hard cycle to break. It's not just a matter of willpower, it's changing the way I feel and react not just to food, but to life-stress, boredom, and emotions. Willpower is bullshit. It's creating an entirely new way of thinking from how I've learned to think over the last 35 years. It's overcoming a compulsion.

I'm going to try and make some changes. I have a coupon for a free slice of pizza at an excellent local pizza place. Maybe I'll break my fast with a slice instead of a whole pie.