Clean Eating is Not Okay

This is a response to a Tumblr post disparaging the idea of clean eating. Take a minute to read through the original posts. I'm going to respond to this here and on my Tumblr, because there's a lot that I want to say about this post. First I want to say that I hear you, and I thank everyone above for sharing their thoughts.

A little background about me, because that will frame where I'm coming from: I grew up middle class and never had to worry about missing a meal. I've been overweight since elementary school. I made less than $10,000 last year (thanks, taxes, for bringing that disappointing fact to light), but I am fortunate to have a family that gives me support when I need it, including groceries. I am a 34-year-old white, Jewish, queer woman, with all the privileges/baggage that brings. I spent most of my 20s eating Lean Cuisine/Smart Ones/diet frozen foods, and it wasn't until I was 30 and moved to France that I realized I had no idea how to eat properly without frozen foods or peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I was 30 years old with no idea how to feed myself real food.

I am currently a supporter of the Clean Eating "trend," and let me tell you why. Because I like eating whole foods. Because I like knowing what the fuck all the ingredients are in everything I eat. Because it actually forces me to eat more vegetables (ashamed to admit I've gone DAYS in the past without anything green). Because it goes along nicely with the idea of eating local – most things I find at the farmer's market (and I'm lucky that Tucson has at least two every day somewhere in the metro city area) are not going to have preservatives or artificial additives. Because I actually feel more connected to my food if I know what each individual ingredient is. Because I don't like restricting or calorie counting because it triggers disordered eating. Because I have found it affordable: there are clean grocery lists for Safeway and Trader Joe's, and they're easily transferable to your favorite cheap/discount grocery store. I never shop at Whole Foods, because I can't afford it. I can afford Trader Joe's and Safeway, and I'm privileged to be able to do so.

I, personally – and really this is all personal opinion only, that should go without saying –, have never thought of not clean eating as "dirty eating." I am not judging what you eat. Here's a secret, and I'm sorry to let you down, but I am not judging what you eat. I don't care what you eat. I don't have time for that. I'm trying to stay mentally and physically healthy and yet still sometimes counting calories and creating a detailed meal plan two weeks in advance, and I'm exhausted. I don't have time to care about your food, too. What you eat is just not important to me, I'm sorry. Was it supposed to be? I hope not. (You will see me snark on my blog when people come in to my coffee shop and order a sugar-free mocha with 20 pumps sugar free syrup, 10 splendas, non-fat milk, and extra whipped cream. I'm a believer in go-all or go-none. Whipped cream AND whole milk AND sugar syrup! So yes, I am shaking my head when that cup comes through my line, but I'm not thinking "And I bet she eats crappy food too!" I'm really not. I'm making the next drink. Because I just do not have time in my life to care what you eat).

Therefore, I never saw the clean eating movement as indicating any kind of moral/orthodox scale for foods. I do hear what is being said above about the connotations of calling it "clean" eating, and I respect those points and will happily call it "unprocessed" eating or "whole foods" eating from here on out. Food is food is food in that it's all digestible (except that Olean stuff, and what the fuck is that? I have anal leakage nightmares) and everyone's body can pick what it needs from it. My casserole made from whole ingredients is not any better or worse morally than someone else's bacon cheeseburger. It doesn't make me a better person, and it doesn't make them a terrible person. It makes us different people.

I'm not sure where the anger is coming from regarding food choices. As I said, I'm neither making your choices for you or caring what choice you make. If you want to choose the butter/cake/50-year lifespan, DO IT. Also, mmmm….cake. Also, my eating clean/unprocessed food is not removing this choice from your daily plate. You can choose to eat whatever the hell you want everyday, and more power to you, and I can understand being angry at the society that tells us all, every day, that we need to be on a diet. I'm angry at diets too. It's okay. I get really triggered and ranty when I see someone on my dash saying, "Oh no, I had two sweets this week, now I can't have any more sweets for two weeks!" because that, to me, is not how clean unprocessed/whole foods eating works. I like to pair it with intuitive eating, and sometimes my intuition wants a damn pizza. But I try and live by the 80/20 rule, where 80% of the time I'm eating whole/unprocessed and 20% of the time I'll have a nice, greasy pizza. So if we changed the name, with the same principles, would it be less of an issue? Some of the above responses sound angry that I won't fry a potato in canola or vegetable oil (although I will in EVOO or coconut oil, and yum!). I thought it was my choice? What I choose to eat for myself is never, ever imposed upon anyone else. My food philosophy does not invalidate your food philosophy just because they're different.

In fact, Tiffany from The Gracious Pantry, one of the best sites for clean unprocessed/whole foods eating recently admitted that she's been eating this way for four years, and she's still overweight. Does that make her a failure? Does that make the way of eating a failure? I say absolutely not. She still feels better, healthier, and has more energy than when she ate junk. I know I feel a million times better eating unprocessed/whole foods than I do eating overly-preserved convenience foods. I like how it makes me feel. I don't know how it makes you feel. I know low-carb makes me constantly nauseated to the point where I just stop eating. But I'm not mad at everyone who eats low-carb just because it makes me feel like shit.

Basically – the rest of society is hard enough on us, so can't we all just get along? Here, have some coconut flour pancakes. Let's break whole wheat bread together and clear the air.

Everything You Know is Wrong

I am becoming increasingly more and more cranky about counting calories. Mostly because it doesn't really seem to be helping. 1200 or 1800 calories, either way I'm not seeing a difference. When I stopped eating for a month after the breakup, I definitely noticed weight loss in my clothes. But as I healed and regained my appetite, no amount of restricting seems to be helping; I'm exercising 3-5 times a week, but my belly feels bigger than ever and my underwear isn't as loose as it was in December.

So when I read this article on Jezebel the other day, I really wanted to set fire to the My Fitness Pal app (except that would really just involve destroying my phone, and I like my phone). It's gotten to where I really don't even bother reading most health articles any more. Fat is good! Fat is bad! Carbs are good! Carbs are bad! Calories are everything! Calories are meaningless!

You know what I like to do? I like to try and follow Clean Eating and the 80/20 rule. If I'm eating clean -- no preservatives, no artificial ingredients, no or less white flour/sugars -- and then I eat a cheese danish or something every now and then, I'm pretty happy. Maybe it's not reflecting any weight loss for me yet, but I feel healthier now than I ever did when I was eating Lean Cuisines and 100-calorie packs every single damn day. That's another danger with calorie counting -- would I rather have this healthy thing for 120 calories or this pack of crap for 100 calories? Crap it is!

I have just this past week started calorie counting again, but really just to get an idea of where I'm at at the end of the day. Eating intuitively -- ice cream if I want it, but not binging; stopping when I feel full -- I come in right between 1500 and 2000 calories (plus exercise). Now, eating variety is something I still need to work on. I still default to peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and triscuits and cheese when I can't decide what I want to eat.

I never thought it possible, but I do binge less when I'm eating intuitively! Not gonna lie, it took a while and a lot of pizzas to get there. Eventually I realized, when I can have everything, I don't want it any more. A pint of Ben and Jerry's now lasts over a week in my house. Turns out I only wanted a few bites. An entire box of Trader Joe's spinach and artichoke dip disappears in an afternoon. And it's okay. I'm okay.

Pizza is my BFF.

What works - what doesn't work?

I'm about to finish my second week on the Four-Hour Body's Slow Carb diet. The scale isn't showing much of a change, but my pants are noticeably looser, and I know I'm gaining muscle from strength training 2-3 times a week.

I'm still struggling with the diet -- the same problems I have with any low-carb diet. I get so physically ill eating the same high-protein foods over and over. I'm doing all right in the mornings with my eggs and turkey bacon, but I'm having trouble facing chicken and salads. I feel like I'd really rather throw up than eat the allowed foods.

I've been tracking my foods in MyFitnessPal, mostly so I can make sure I'm getting enough nutrients, proteins and carbs, and I'm generally eating 1200 calories or less. Just because I cannot eat any more.

Why am I keeping this up? I'm giving it a full month, until the end of August, to see how I feel and how my body is doing (btw, my abs? TOTALLY THERE. Ablicious!). I like this diet because I do believe carbs and processed foods are harmful and slow carb forces me to eat real, whole foods. It's also easy: there's a list of foods I'm allowed to eat, and that's it. There's control. That's really the bottom line. If I can't control my diet, then I am out of control and on a binge.

I had great success with Weight Watchers from 2006-2009. I tracked my points carefully, often plotting out everything I would eat for the day in the morning before leaving for school or work. The problem with this plan, and the reason I'm hesitant to try it again? I was eating almost exclusively processed foods. It's difficult to count points with recipes (this was before recipe calculators that are popular now), and I don't have a food scale. While frozen foods and packaged snacks tell me exactly how many calories/points they contain. I know even if I was just counting calories with MyFitnessPal, I would still be tempted to fall back on processed foods instead of eating real foods.

It's still healthy even if I can't pronounce over half the ingredients, right?

And so I stick with Slow Carb, at least until August 31. I'm looking forward to seeing my measurements at the end of the month!

What works for you in your way of eating? Do you need to have the control, and how do you include more whole foods in your diet?

Finding a balance

Eating-wise, I still have problems. I cannot seem to stick to a calorie plan. I'll be good all day, and then blow it at dinner. Or after a few days, I lose interest in eating anything at all. I know I eat better when I concentrate on making vegetables the focus of each meal, and damn the calories. I poop better too (ALWAYS a plus).

On the positive side, I've seriously thrown myself back into fitness. I know I've talked about GymPact before, but it's REALLY helping me get to the gym consistently 5 times a week, and I feel so much better, physically. I'm still not really losing weight, but I'm definitely starting to see some definition.

I'm devoting myself to Zumba again, since the last time I really liked my body I was doing about 8 hours of Zumba a week. If I can't make it to a class, I'll go to the gym, sequester myself in a raquetball court, and play the music off my iPod.

I'm also running, focusing on HIIT, or High-Intensity Interval Training. Today I ran 1.5 miles, the farthest I've ever gotten! And I broke my record speed! It really is helping me to run faster, because I'm very slow. I have short, stubby legs. 3.5 is a jog to me. I watch other people run at 6.0 or faster, and I just think I'd fall right off the treadmill. Today I got up to 4.3. I'd like to make it to a 5.0.

Weights are more sporadic right now, but I know they're important. Mostly I just feel stymied because I don't know what exercises I should be doing for which body part, and I never write it down so I never notice real improvement. I need to make a weight lifting notebook so I can create a set list of things to do and monitor my improvement.

I am most concerned about maintaining fitness right now. The food will come. I just got hired to work in a coffee shop part time, so that will help with movement and being on my feet. I bought a heart-rate monitor from a Groupon deal, and I've loved knowing exactly how many calories I'm burning in a workout/day. And how many steps I take. Shooting for 10,000 a day (approximately 5 miles a day).

I'm gonna be the fittest fat girl :-p

Right Track

So I don't want to jinx myself, but I seem to be doing pretty well this week! I've been PERFECTLY on plan for three out of four days, and on Valentine's Day I still tracked everything I ate and exercised that morning! Morning weigh-ins confirm I am down a couple pounds, although I'll get my official weigh-in Monday morning. Yesterday at work I resisted a CUPCAKE. CUPCAKE. It was a grocery store cupcake; if it had been gourmet, I totally would have caved.

Exercise has involved my two favorites: swimming and Zumba, although sporadically. I'm also running 3-4 times a week and doing strength training! Oh, so much strength training. My friend Kai, a crossfit guru, has been helping me with my form and encouraging me to use heavier weights. Tuesday we did lunges and squats, and my legs STILL hurt! Wednesday was the worst; I could barely move at all, and I declared that day a rest day.

Kai and her fiancee Sarah met me at the gym last night for some heavy lifting. I'd already been to the gym that morning for my cardio. I tried logging into Gympact, but apparently they think you can only work out once a day. DENIED.

"This is for my blog" "Well then shouldn't we be doing something?"

Sarah doing a super-impressive back squat

You will notice there are NO WEIGHTS on my bar. I can only handle the 45-pound bar itself.

 Yeah, I'm starting from scratch with the strength training. Four years ago I'd built up a bit of muscle, but it is gone, gone, gone, turned into fleshy fat and loose skin. I really appreciate the support and encouragement I get when I strength train with my friends. They keep me in proper form and give me new exercises to try!

I have a huge blocking fear of the deadlift. Many years ago I did it -- INCORRECTLY -- and I threw my back out. For over a week I was barely able to move, limping from class to work, and sitting on a heating pad all day. It was terrible. I really want to strengthen my back in other ways before I give it another try. This is just a reminder of how important correct form is when using weights. Improper form can, at best, just not work out the muscles enough and at worst, fuck you up painfully.

Boyfriend was out last night, so I made myself a dinner. Two turkey burgers cooked on the George Forman grill. I like watching the fatty bits drip off and into the tray. No bun, but reduced fat mayo with olive oil. I will sacrifice bread for mayo. Also Kraft sharp cheddar slices, ketchup and pickles. As you can see, I was starving and couldn't wait to take the first bite.

The weekend is coming, and that brings a new set of challenges. You see, at my crappy job, I work ALL DAY, ALL WEEKEND. 10 hours each day. It is very dull, and in the past I've grazed on junk all day just to make it through. Preparing to keep myself happy and full for the weekend has taken a lot of ADVANCED PLANNING. I already know what I'm going to eat through 7pm on Saturday. Snacks and such will be packed tonight, to save me time in the a.m.

How do you plan ahead for long days? I'd much rather have an array of snacks I may not eat than run out and be desperate enough to raid the vending machine. What do you do when you run out of healthy snacks? Do you suck down more water and pee every 10 minutes (burning calories running to the restroom!) or do you cave and find the least evil thing in the vending machine?

Oh Yeah, Stretching.

I had a great Valentine's Day last night! Boyfriend did his best to make sure I knew I was loved. He even made a special trip, at the end of an exhausting day at work, to a specialty cupcake shop to buy me the Valentine's cupcakes I wanted. <3 Then he came home and gave me the cupcakes, a card, roses, a GIANT box of candy, and made me a delicious dinner! I'm very lucky.

 

 

Now I feel bad, I just made him a mix CD

For dinner he made boiled artichokes. This is a dish we discovered we loved during vegetarian month last month. I knew I liked artichoke hearts in salad or cooked into other dishes, but I had no idea how amazingly delicious they were cooked fresh and dipped in garlic butter! Boyfriend is really branching out and becoming a great cook; at first all he knew how to make was baked tilapia (which is still yummy), but now he's made the artichokes and even lobster tail!

Turned into half an artichoke each because one fell on the floor upon removal from the pot :-(

I counted all the calories from yesterday, even though I went grossly over. Boyfriend decreed that the candy exemption was lifted for Valentine's Day, so I shoveled in way more of the candies than I should have. MMMMMMMM. Today the remainders go into work with me.

I had wanted to go swimming today, but my legs are omgsore. I did strength training with my friend Kai yesterday, and now I can barely move. I think today is a rest day. Although I do have a doctor's appointment later this evening, and it would be easier to bike down there than drive and try and find parking. Hopefully my legs can work well enough to pedal!

I think a lot of the pain is that I forgot to stretch before and most importantly after the workout. Angry muscles are angry.