Everything You Know is Wrong

I am becoming increasingly more and more cranky about counting calories. Mostly because it doesn't really seem to be helping. 1200 or 1800 calories, either way I'm not seeing a difference. When I stopped eating for a month after the breakup, I definitely noticed weight loss in my clothes. But as I healed and regained my appetite, no amount of restricting seems to be helping; I'm exercising 3-5 times a week, but my belly feels bigger than ever and my underwear isn't as loose as it was in December.

So when I read this article on Jezebel the other day, I really wanted to set fire to the My Fitness Pal app (except that would really just involve destroying my phone, and I like my phone). It's gotten to where I really don't even bother reading most health articles any more. Fat is good! Fat is bad! Carbs are good! Carbs are bad! Calories are everything! Calories are meaningless!

You know what I like to do? I like to try and follow Clean Eating and the 80/20 rule. If I'm eating clean -- no preservatives, no artificial ingredients, no or less white flour/sugars -- and then I eat a cheese danish or something every now and then, I'm pretty happy. Maybe it's not reflecting any weight loss for me yet, but I feel healthier now than I ever did when I was eating Lean Cuisines and 100-calorie packs every single damn day. That's another danger with calorie counting -- would I rather have this healthy thing for 120 calories or this pack of crap for 100 calories? Crap it is!

I have just this past week started calorie counting again, but really just to get an idea of where I'm at at the end of the day. Eating intuitively -- ice cream if I want it, but not binging; stopping when I feel full -- I come in right between 1500 and 2000 calories (plus exercise). Now, eating variety is something I still need to work on. I still default to peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and triscuits and cheese when I can't decide what I want to eat.

I never thought it possible, but I do binge less when I'm eating intuitively! Not gonna lie, it took a while and a lot of pizzas to get there. Eventually I realized, when I can have everything, I don't want it any more. A pint of Ben and Jerry's now lasts over a week in my house. Turns out I only wanted a few bites. An entire box of Trader Joe's spinach and artichoke dip disappears in an afternoon. And it's okay. I'm okay.

Pizza is my BFF.

Rodeo Week!

It's rodeo week in Tucson!!

Which is apparently kind of a big deal, but I wouldn't know, since I'm from the midwest. I know the a lot of the schools in the area close for the rodeo. We get to wear our western wear to work on Wednesday, but since I'm from Ohio, I'm just going to wear normal clothes.

I was trying to think of a way to link the Wild West and the rodeo to weight loss, but I just can't come up with anything. Unless I die of dysentery, but that's really more a pacific northwest thing. Lucky bastards.

This week! I was pretty good! I went to the gym four times, thus honoring my pact with Gympact. I can't wait to see how much money I get for last week; since I added an extra day, I get an extra share of the winnings. REALLY looking forward to that Hulu+ subscription!

Yesterday I weighed in four pounds down for the week. Which is very yay! And then there was the monkey bread. I really wanted to have a nice, homemade breakfast with Boyfriend -- I'd been thinking banana bread, these bananas in my kitchen are almost goo -- but he suggested monkey bread. Actually, he suggested french toast AND monkey bread, but I talked him back down to just the monkey bread.

(What the hell is monkey bread? Also called pull-apart bread, it's basically refrigerated biscuits, cinnamon, sugar, butter and brown sugar. SO GOOD. SO FULL OF FATTY CARBS.)

 

 

 

 

There's no way this is good for you.

At first I was good. I counted the calories for EVERYTHING I ate, even if it meant I used up most of my daily allotment by 2pm. But I discovered something, which is probably a very DUH realization, but it just hit home yesterday: empty carby sugar makes me HUNGRIER. I'd done pretty well with the hunger all week. I'll have you know I had NO ICE CREAM and DID NOT order pizza! But as soon as I had a serving of that monkey bread, I was ravenous. I went back several more times during the day, then ate dinner, had popcorn at the video store, and had MORE monkey bread.

As a result, my net loss for the week on the scale this morning was 2.6. I'm 183 even.

I have seen my enemy, and it is sugar. I even saw it a little with the lowfat frozen yogurt I bought. I could be full and satisfied, have a small helping of frozen yogurt to kill the ice cream craving, and then suddenly I was hungry again!

Now that I know my weakness, how am I going to avoid it? No ice cream and no pizza again this week (I did have one Lean Cuisine pizza last week, and it helped). No baking things I know I can't control myself with! There's leftover monkey crack, but I'm not eating any more of it. If I don't start, I won't lose control.

Four gym workouts this week is the goal. REALLY hoping to see the 170s by next Monday!

Fall Down, Get Up, Keep Going

I'm frustrated. I'm making the same stupid mistakes -- rookie mistakes -- and as a result I've gained weight every week so far this month. I've been bouncing back and forth between diets and sticking to none of them. I'm just gonna count calories! No...I'm gonna do slimfast and count calories! No...I need to go back to Weight Watchers. No...I'm gonna do clean eating (that one didn't last out the day). No...I'm gonna do low-sugar!

 

Seriously? Just pick a fucking way of eating and stick with it. Because it's really not a diet. It's a way of eating for the REST OF MY LIFE.

 

I'm too fat and nothing fits!

 

 

I'll be honest, I've been using the MyFitnessPal app this year, and it has helped. For a week there my pants were even fitting more loosely! I wasn't tracking fruits or vegetables, however, giving them to myself as "freebies," and I think that stalled any real progress.

 

I've been reading other weight-loss blogs and fitness blogs all day for inspiration, to rejuvenate my passion for healthy eating, exercise, and weight loss. 110 Pounds and Counting has been really helpful. She lost weight by counting calories, and went through a lot of the same metamorphasis I did -- starting with convenience packaged, processed diet foods and moving to making meals and whole foods. I hope I can someday be as inspirational as she is. In 2003 I weighed 265 pounds, and in February 2011 I weighed 147. Today I weigh 185. I can lose weight -- I lost over 100 pounds and kept it off for years. I'm horrified at how much has creeped back on, and that just makes me want to eat.

 

Here are two of the biggest dangers: Ice cream and pizza. I have long said if I can't have these in my life, I don't want to bother living, but they are HUGE trigger foods. When the Boyfriend and I get a pizza, I can eat no fewer than 4 slices. Of a large! With extra cheese! I usually give up tracking on MyFitnessApp on those days. I've actually been pretty good about portioning ice cream (though eyeballing it, not measuring), but when the ice cream I eat has 300 calories for 1/2 cup, that's just so much wasted calories.

 

(Boyfriend and I are doing No Candy this month, so that may be adding to my sweet cravings)

 

For a week -- just ONE week! -- I'm not going to order pizza or buy ice cream. You know what I can have? A Lean Cuisine pizza (portion controlled). My favorite is the Spinach and Mushroom. I can buy LOWFAT frozen yogurt and the new Cuties made with coconut milk. I hope this will help me get over the hump and tone down my addictions to these foods. At the end of one week, if I''ve made it, well let's see if I can do it for another week, and then see how long I can go! (Actually, this is how I learned to drop fast food. "You know, I haven't had Wendy's in two months! Let's see if I can go another month. Let's see if I can go five months. You know, I really don't need to go back." Haven't since 2008.)

 

Verboten!!

 

 

I'm aiming to exercise four times a week. I'm working on a post about that.

 

Also, I'm going to take PICTURES of ME. I used to do a "day in the life" photoblogs all the time. I was okay with having my picture taken. But my Facebook icon now is from September 2011. I'm so embarrased with how I look I haven't kept a picture of myself in months. But if I FORCE myself to look at me as I really am, I can no longer kid myself about my weight (like the only four or five shirts that fit me that I rotate every week aren't hilarious enough).

 

How many times do I have to start over? Until I get it right.