Sacrilicious

Tonight begins the Jewish holiday of Yom Kippur. From sundown tonight until sundown tomorrow I will fast to repent my sins, ask forgiveness from God, and forgive those who I might be mad at. It's the holiest of days in the Jewish calendar and very serious.

I like the clean slate of Yom Kippur. I like not holding on to guilt or anger, but releasing it at least once a year. I like the idea of using the fast to aide in prayers; when you feel a rumble of hunger, remember why you're doing it, and it makes it more meaningful.

I also like Yom Kippur because it's two chances to binge. It is terrible, and I'll have to ask forgiveness for feeling this way, but I like Yom Kippur because I get to binge. I binge before sundown tonight, fast for 24 hours, and then binge tomorrow night because I can rationalize I haven't eaten in 24 hours.

I know this is disordered eating, and I do want to work on it. I also want a pizza. Bingeing is numbing. Food is comfort. It's a hard cycle to break. It's not just a matter of willpower, it's changing the way I feel and react not just to food, but to life-stress, boredom, and emotions. Willpower is bullshit. It's creating an entirely new way of thinking from how I've learned to think over the last 35 years. It's overcoming a compulsion.

I'm going to try and make some changes. I have a coupon for a free slice of pizza at an excellent local pizza place. Maybe I'll break my fast with a slice instead of a whole pie. 

Food Panic

I've been trying to be more intuitive about my eating, and I noticed something.

I have Food Panic.

I went to my parents in Cincinnati for Thanksgiving, and ate absolutely everything all weekend long. The last day I was so absolutely sick of food. I got to the airport that evening and bought myself a slice of food court pizza. I finished it while waiting at the gate. The flight attendant comes over the PA and announces that there is no meal on this flight, even in first class, so people may want to go get something now.

Ok, let's look at this. 1) I'm flying economy, so I'm not getting a meal even if it's lunchtime. 2) I ate all weekend, and 3) I just ate a slice of pizza. This announcement should not have applied to me.

Yet as soon as I heard it, I got the Food Panic. No food on the flight? It's three and a half hours! What will I do?! I had to actively talk myself out of going to get more food, because clearly I didn't need it. On the plane I snacked on a small pack of peanuts, a few Starburst, and a chocolate covered marshmallow.

Heading to work Tuesday, I was hit again with Food Panic. I'd eaten well all day; a healthy breakfast and lunch. I was full after lunch. I didn't have a snack in the afternoon. On my way to work about 4:45pm for a two-hour shift, I had the Food Panic. I didn't bring a snack! I'd have nothing to eat for over two hours! I had to stop myself from running into the grocery for a banana. While it would be healthy, I think it's important not to give in to the Food Panic.

I do try to keep my purse stocked with a few snacks to keep the Food Panic away. There's never been a time when I've truly gone hungry. And yet the idea of being unprepared and hungry for a few hours triggers an anxiety that I have to fight.

Top Five Purse Snacks to Fight Food Panic
5. Larabars. THESE ARE SO GOOD. Apple pie is a good flavor.
4. 100-calorie snack packs. I like the Snackwell's caramel chocolate popcorn and Baked Cheetos.
3. Candy. Not the healthiest option, but satisfies a sweet craving.
2. Nuts. Peanuts, cocoa-covered almonds, cinnamon-covered almonds, trail mix. It's a good, healthy source of protein.
1. Fruit. Apples and bananas are good, although bananas get pretty bruised after a day. I like the Banana Guard to keep my bananas fresh!