Sugar fiend

For the rest of the month, I'm going to try to write here every single weekday! Whoa, what crazy commitment.

Yom Kippur has passed, and I made it 22 hours without food or water. It was so, so difficult for me to do nothing all day. No walks, no exercise, no going out because it's still 100+ degrees outside and I can't have water. The entire day is a bargain with myself.

Wake up at 10am; well, see if you can make it till noon. Oh god, it's only 10:36, I'll never make it till noon. Okay, it's noon. I can make it to 1. I can make it to 2. Ok, at 3:30 I give myself permission to cave. Well, maybe 4. Ok, 4:30 is 22 hours and I give in.

It's amazing how often you still have to pee when you're dehydrated.

Then I had pizza and a hard cider, which was probably not a good idea and gave me an even worse dehydration headache than the one I already had.

Oh yeah, I've been there

I really, really need to cut back on my sugar intake. The hardest part about doing that is that I work at a very popular coffee shop where I get all the free drinks I like during my shift. And it's salted caramel time. I would be perfectly content to just eat a small cup of whipped cream, caramel, and salt with a spoon.

I've been changing my drink from the horrific 30g+ of sugar sweet cinnamon steamer to a decaf americano with a few pumps of caramel. I don't drink caffeine -- at all. So even the two decaf shots I've been drinking have been making me jittery, and I really don't want to get addicted again, even mildly. But it's so hard to work a shift without drinking anything, and I'm sick of iced tea.

But I've got to get the sugar under control; no amount of exercise is going to change anything when my sugar intake is so nuts. So for the rest of this week, I am only going to have one of those caramel americanos per shift, and NO OTHER SUGAR DRINKS. Since I'll be posting every day, I can keep track of my progress. And my daily sugar grams!

What's your biggest sugar weakness??

Sacrilicious

Tonight begins the Jewish holiday of Yom Kippur. From sundown tonight until sundown tomorrow I will fast to repent my sins, ask forgiveness from God, and forgive those who I might be mad at. It's the holiest of days in the Jewish calendar and very serious.

I like the clean slate of Yom Kippur. I like not holding on to guilt or anger, but releasing it at least once a year. I like the idea of using the fast to aide in prayers; when you feel a rumble of hunger, remember why you're doing it, and it makes it more meaningful.

I also like Yom Kippur because it's two chances to binge. It is terrible, and I'll have to ask forgiveness for feeling this way, but I like Yom Kippur because I get to binge. I binge before sundown tonight, fast for 24 hours, and then binge tomorrow night because I can rationalize I haven't eaten in 24 hours.

I know this is disordered eating, and I do want to work on it. I also want a pizza. Bingeing is numbing. Food is comfort. It's a hard cycle to break. It's not just a matter of willpower, it's changing the way I feel and react not just to food, but to life-stress, boredom, and emotions. Willpower is bullshit. It's creating an entirely new way of thinking from how I've learned to think over the last 35 years. It's overcoming a compulsion.

I'm going to try and make some changes. I have a coupon for a free slice of pizza at an excellent local pizza place. Maybe I'll break my fast with a slice instead of a whole pie.