Sacrilicious

Tonight begins the Jewish holiday of Yom Kippur. From sundown tonight until sundown tomorrow I will fast to repent my sins, ask forgiveness from God, and forgive those who I might be mad at. It's the holiest of days in the Jewish calendar and very serious.

I like the clean slate of Yom Kippur. I like not holding on to guilt or anger, but releasing it at least once a year. I like the idea of using the fast to aide in prayers; when you feel a rumble of hunger, remember why you're doing it, and it makes it more meaningful.

I also like Yom Kippur because it's two chances to binge. It is terrible, and I'll have to ask forgiveness for feeling this way, but I like Yom Kippur because I get to binge. I binge before sundown tonight, fast for 24 hours, and then binge tomorrow night because I can rationalize I haven't eaten in 24 hours.

I know this is disordered eating, and I do want to work on it. I also want a pizza. Bingeing is numbing. Food is comfort. It's a hard cycle to break. It's not just a matter of willpower, it's changing the way I feel and react not just to food, but to life-stress, boredom, and emotions. Willpower is bullshit. It's creating an entirely new way of thinking from how I've learned to think over the last 35 years. It's overcoming a compulsion.

I'm going to try and make some changes. I have a coupon for a free slice of pizza at an excellent local pizza place. Maybe I'll break my fast with a slice instead of a whole pie. 

Still fighting the fight

Yeah! That's how it works, right?

Crossing it off the list

I recommend setting goals for yourself and working hard to achieve them. It's so incredibly satisfying to cross something hard off your goal list. I also recommend that a lot of the hard work comes BEFORE the finish line. Do what I say, not what I do.

I ran a 5k yesterday! My very first! I hadn't been training in a month! It was really, really hard! When I first started running a few years ago, I could only run/walk/run/walk. Then I got up to running a mile without stopping, then two. At the beginning of the year I was running twice a week, and I got up to 3.25 miles pretty easily -- slowly, very slowly, but manageable. So when I signed up for the 5k at the end of March, I felt pretty confident.

Then I started focusing my goal on my Zumba teaching license (post needed!) and slacked on the running. I figured it would be fine because all the endurance was still there; I was doing 20-25 hours of Zumba a month in April and May, and the training class was 8 hours long. So I thought I'd be all right.

This is my "Oh God, am I really about to run a 5k?" face.

I ran the Meet Me Downtown 5k, which was....downtown. On June 1. In Tucson. Which is in the DESERT. Lucky for us, yesterday was the first day we hit over 100 degrees in 2013! It was so hot ;_;

When we first started out, all I could think was "Oh wow, I'm really doing this!" It was tough to find my own pace in the sea of faster, better runners, and my muscles protested loudly for the first half mile. One of the lovely things about this race was the good residents of downtown Tucson. They sat on their porches and on the sidewalks and cheered us on, and they sprayed us with their garden hoses. That was the best. I definitely picked up the pace after a good drenching.

I ran the entire 5k. I was determined not to slow to a walk, because then it wouldn't count as running a 5k and I'd have to do the whole damn thing over again. So I ran it. Very slowly. There might have been people walking faster than me. BUT I RAN IT.

After: Fat, sassy, 'n sore.

It was a great feeling running to the finish line. I pushed every last bit of energy I had into that last sprint and finished 3.1 miles in 49:10. Which is pretty average pace for me...no records, but no major slow downs from my norm either.

After the race there was free vitamin water, bananas (I took 3), some amazing trail mix, and turkey hot dogs. And apparently beer, too, but we didn't get any. There was a band playing and local food trucks, but mostly we all just wanted to get home.

It's done! 5k! Crossed off the list! Never have to do it again!

Oh, what, there's a Turkey 5k Run in November? Well, we'll see....

Clean Eating is Not Okay

This is a response to a Tumblr post disparaging the idea of clean eating. Take a minute to read through the original posts. I'm going to respond to this here and on my Tumblr, because there's a lot that I want to say about this post. First I want to say that I hear you, and I thank everyone above for sharing their thoughts.

A little background about me, because that will frame where I'm coming from: I grew up middle class and never had to worry about missing a meal. I've been overweight since elementary school. I made less than $10,000 last year (thanks, taxes, for bringing that disappointing fact to light), but I am fortunate to have a family that gives me support when I need it, including groceries. I am a 34-year-old white, Jewish, queer woman, with all the privileges/baggage that brings. I spent most of my 20s eating Lean Cuisine/Smart Ones/diet frozen foods, and it wasn't until I was 30 and moved to France that I realized I had no idea how to eat properly without frozen foods or peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I was 30 years old with no idea how to feed myself real food.

I am currently a supporter of the Clean Eating "trend," and let me tell you why. Because I like eating whole foods. Because I like knowing what the fuck all the ingredients are in everything I eat. Because it actually forces me to eat more vegetables (ashamed to admit I've gone DAYS in the past without anything green). Because it goes along nicely with the idea of eating local – most things I find at the farmer's market (and I'm lucky that Tucson has at least two every day somewhere in the metro city area) are not going to have preservatives or artificial additives. Because I actually feel more connected to my food if I know what each individual ingredient is. Because I don't like restricting or calorie counting because it triggers disordered eating. Because I have found it affordable: there are clean grocery lists for Safeway and Trader Joe's, and they're easily transferable to your favorite cheap/discount grocery store. I never shop at Whole Foods, because I can't afford it. I can afford Trader Joe's and Safeway, and I'm privileged to be able to do so.

I, personally – and really this is all personal opinion only, that should go without saying –, have never thought of not clean eating as "dirty eating." I am not judging what you eat. Here's a secret, and I'm sorry to let you down, but I am not judging what you eat. I don't care what you eat. I don't have time for that. I'm trying to stay mentally and physically healthy and yet still sometimes counting calories and creating a detailed meal plan two weeks in advance, and I'm exhausted. I don't have time to care about your food, too. What you eat is just not important to me, I'm sorry. Was it supposed to be? I hope not. (You will see me snark on my blog when people come in to my coffee shop and order a sugar-free mocha with 20 pumps sugar free syrup, 10 splendas, non-fat milk, and extra whipped cream. I'm a believer in go-all or go-none. Whipped cream AND whole milk AND sugar syrup! So yes, I am shaking my head when that cup comes through my line, but I'm not thinking "And I bet she eats crappy food too!" I'm really not. I'm making the next drink. Because I just do not have time in my life to care what you eat).

Therefore, I never saw the clean eating movement as indicating any kind of moral/orthodox scale for foods. I do hear what is being said above about the connotations of calling it "clean" eating, and I respect those points and will happily call it "unprocessed" eating or "whole foods" eating from here on out. Food is food is food in that it's all digestible (except that Olean stuff, and what the fuck is that? I have anal leakage nightmares) and everyone's body can pick what it needs from it. My casserole made from whole ingredients is not any better or worse morally than someone else's bacon cheeseburger. It doesn't make me a better person, and it doesn't make them a terrible person. It makes us different people.

I'm not sure where the anger is coming from regarding food choices. As I said, I'm neither making your choices for you or caring what choice you make. If you want to choose the butter/cake/50-year lifespan, DO IT. Also, mmmm….cake. Also, my eating clean/unprocessed food is not removing this choice from your daily plate. You can choose to eat whatever the hell you want everyday, and more power to you, and I can understand being angry at the society that tells us all, every day, that we need to be on a diet. I'm angry at diets too. It's okay. I get really triggered and ranty when I see someone on my dash saying, "Oh no, I had two sweets this week, now I can't have any more sweets for two weeks!" because that, to me, is not how clean unprocessed/whole foods eating works. I like to pair it with intuitive eating, and sometimes my intuition wants a damn pizza. But I try and live by the 80/20 rule, where 80% of the time I'm eating whole/unprocessed and 20% of the time I'll have a nice, greasy pizza. So if we changed the name, with the same principles, would it be less of an issue? Some of the above responses sound angry that I won't fry a potato in canola or vegetable oil (although I will in EVOO or coconut oil, and yum!). I thought it was my choice? What I choose to eat for myself is never, ever imposed upon anyone else. My food philosophy does not invalidate your food philosophy just because they're different.

In fact, Tiffany from The Gracious Pantry, one of the best sites for clean unprocessed/whole foods eating recently admitted that she's been eating this way for four years, and she's still overweight. Does that make her a failure? Does that make the way of eating a failure? I say absolutely not. She still feels better, healthier, and has more energy than when she ate junk. I know I feel a million times better eating unprocessed/whole foods than I do eating overly-preserved convenience foods. I like how it makes me feel. I don't know how it makes you feel. I know low-carb makes me constantly nauseated to the point where I just stop eating. But I'm not mad at everyone who eats low-carb just because it makes me feel like shit.

Basically – the rest of society is hard enough on us, so can't we all just get along? Here, have some coconut flour pancakes. Let's break whole wheat bread together and clear the air.

This is My Reminder to Myself

Dear Penny,

YOU CANNOT DO LOW-CARB. You just can't. You keep trying, and everytime you go "Oh yeah, I can't do this. Fuck."

Seriously, I think, "This time I'm gonna get it right!" Nope, want to throw up and die.

I lasted two and a half days this last round. I was even tracking to make sure I was getting around 50 carbs a day! Even so, my body just CANNOT handle that much protein. Or something. Because I nearly threw up eating my egg casserole and turkey bacon this morning, which I normally enjoy.

An acquaintance of mine (internet only, even though we used to live in the same town) has had great success on a low-carb diet, and that's great for her. She posted her Pinterest board of low-carb recipes, and I read them and thought, "Sure, I can eat that!' Except not exclusively, because I get to the point where I cannot eat any more low-carb food and then I'm at 800 calories for the day, and that's bad. Seriously, it makes me want to just stop eating altogether.

THIS IS MY REMINDER TO MYSELF. STOP TRYING LOW CARB. YOU'RE WASTING EVERYONE'S TIME.

Back to my perfectly acceptable goal of eating clean -- working to completely eliminate processed foods. And there's certainly a place for those low-carb recipes within that way of eating. I do want to eat less sugars. I just need fruit and oatmeal and whole wheat bread and peanut butter in my life. And that's okay.

Everything You Know is Wrong

I am becoming increasingly more and more cranky about counting calories. Mostly because it doesn't really seem to be helping. 1200 or 1800 calories, either way I'm not seeing a difference. When I stopped eating for a month after the breakup, I definitely noticed weight loss in my clothes. But as I healed and regained my appetite, no amount of restricting seems to be helping; I'm exercising 3-5 times a week, but my belly feels bigger than ever and my underwear isn't as loose as it was in December.

So when I read this article on Jezebel the other day, I really wanted to set fire to the My Fitness Pal app (except that would really just involve destroying my phone, and I like my phone). It's gotten to where I really don't even bother reading most health articles any more. Fat is good! Fat is bad! Carbs are good! Carbs are bad! Calories are everything! Calories are meaningless!

You know what I like to do? I like to try and follow Clean Eating and the 80/20 rule. If I'm eating clean -- no preservatives, no artificial ingredients, no or less white flour/sugars -- and then I eat a cheese danish or something every now and then, I'm pretty happy. Maybe it's not reflecting any weight loss for me yet, but I feel healthier now than I ever did when I was eating Lean Cuisines and 100-calorie packs every single damn day. That's another danger with calorie counting -- would I rather have this healthy thing for 120 calories or this pack of crap for 100 calories? Crap it is!

I have just this past week started calorie counting again, but really just to get an idea of where I'm at at the end of the day. Eating intuitively -- ice cream if I want it, but not binging; stopping when I feel full -- I come in right between 1500 and 2000 calories (plus exercise). Now, eating variety is something I still need to work on. I still default to peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and triscuits and cheese when I can't decide what I want to eat.

I never thought it possible, but I do binge less when I'm eating intuitively! Not gonna lie, it took a while and a lot of pizzas to get there. Eventually I realized, when I can have everything, I don't want it any more. A pint of Ben and Jerry's now lasts over a week in my house. Turns out I only wanted a few bites. An entire box of Trader Joe's spinach and artichoke dip disappears in an afternoon. And it's okay. I'm okay.

Pizza is my BFF.

Quick way to drop 200+ pounds!

HEY!

Since I last blogged, I've been lucky enough to shed 220 pounds! It was so easy! All I had to do was dump my cheating, abusive boyfriend. As anyone with quick weight loss results knows, it's easy to gain those pounds back and then some, and there have definitely been days when I've been sad or lonely and missing that 220 pound lump of man hair that always left his clothes on the floor and never cleaned the kitchen. But I've stayed strong in my resolve, and I know I'm never taking him back or getting involved with anyone who doesn't respect me. Now let's just apply that resolve to eating healthy, because basically consistently eating crap isn't respecting myself, and what kind of role model am I for a future potential mate if they see I don't have any self-respect?

Note: I'm not saying I'm not respecting myself because I'm overweight. I'm saying it because I'm choosing to eat nothing but unhealthy foods and no vegetables for days on end. I'd rather be eating healthy and fat than eating crap and thin. That's why I no longer eat Lean Cuisines or processed diet junk. Now THAT is disrespecting your body!!

A few things coming up for this blog:

• A monthly challenge we can work on together
• VLOGS! See my fat face talking to you!
• ACTUAL POSTS. Because for realz, I need to keep up with this space.

Here's some snark: Someone today at my coffee shop ordered a sugar-free, non-fat latte in a size-larger cup with EXTRA whipped cream.  YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.